Feeling Tops Again

I spent a few days last week dealing with a very unkind tummy bug. It wasn't Covid (I tested) and I'm not calling it gastro, because thankfully my backside wasn't involved. But I spent all that time lying there, vomiting, alternately shivering and sweating because my temperature was all over the place, holding my aching head, sleeping in short bursts and finally sitting when I could manage it, on a bed that has always been a little too firm for my liking ... and I made a few important realisations.

1. We need to get our bedroom ceiling fan fixed. The settings that work are "super slow" and "Watch out for the blades!". There's no middle speed anymore; that hasn't worked for ages. It didn't bother me before, but when my temperature was fluctuating so much I really needed the option of all three settings.

2. I do too much for everybody in my family. I've said it many times, but this really brought it to the fore. The first morning I could hear everything going to pieces in another room, the only thought in my pounding head was, "who cares, they'll just have to work it all out without me." The realisation that I could feel so dismissive about it was shocking, but surprisingly freeing.

3. I have exhausted myself by being available as much as I could be to help our daughter with her toddler, who is really getting too heavy for me to hold for long periods and who sees me as an extra mother rather than her Nanna. My poor, not-getting-any-younger body is hating me for that first part now and the second part was causing unnecessary stress to my daughter.

And 4. That bloody mattress needed something done with it. It's bad enough lying in bed feeling like you can't lift your head without it exploding, without the extra discomfort of lower back and hip pain from a too-firm mattress.

So, now that I'm recovered, I'm implementing some changes.

1. We'll get an electrician out to find the middle speed on our fan.

2. Everyone is doing more around the house. If I feel the urge to do a job FOR someone, I'm learning to stop and remind them to do it themselves. When the kids were small we tried to instill good habits, but our routines slipped as they got older. I said in my last post that I am better now at taking time for myself, and that is true. But when it comes to daily tasks around the house I tend to just DO those. It's my own habit. My boys don't worry about dishes piling up or laundry on the bathroom floor because I always take care of it. It's time to change that, and the family are all aware and co-operative.

3. I spoke with my daughter about me stepping back more so that she can focus on her little girl and I can have less of a caregiver role (as much as we can manage in our current shared-living arrangement). We are on the same page about how to move forward with this and I'm hoping Baby J will see me less as second mother and I can really enjoy just being her Nanna. One change is simply me leaving the living area in the evenings so she only has her Mummy for company while winding down for bed. (The Caveman already does this, retreating to his computer room, so I'm just following his lead). The plus for me is that I will get an hour or so to myself in my room, to relax, read, meditate or whatever I feel like.

And 4. In the best news yet, we now have a mattress topper! I picked one out online on the first day I could stand looking at a screen. The Caveman drove out and picked it up for me and we've both slept beautifully for three nights now. My body is so grateful, as is my heart. He has loved our mattress ever since we first bought it - he prefers a very firm bed and, being autistic, doesn't take change easily once he likes something - but he didn't hesitate to compromise for me on the topper when he realised just how much trouble I have with it now. As an added bonus, it turns out he's pretty happy with the topper too.

I'm aware that running myself ragged is probably a big part of why I got so sick, not to mention the general emotional detachment I've felt towards work (and life in general) lately. I'll be back at work in a couple of days and I'm interested to see if my enthusiasm for the job returns a bit, with me being under less pressure at home. By sheer coincidence, my daughter also recently scaled back her work hours dramatically, so she and I are bringing in some changes for the whole family which should help the entire household run more smoothly.

So here's to a positive approach to the rest of the year ... and no more vomiting bugs, please!

Riding the Rails

It's a new year and already I'm behind! I didn't make a Christmas blog post, or a new year one like I normally would. The end of the year got very hectic and everything caught up with me a little bit. I'm currently on a ten day holiday from work and, to be honest, this is the first time I've felt relaxed in months.

I was definitely burning out.

I didn't make a new year's resolution, but I have kind of promised myself that I'll try not to take on other people's stresses so much. Last year saw a couple of our family members dealing with a lot of personal pressures and, as the wife and mum, I definitely took that on. I am also trying to just be more relaxed in general and take time and space for myself.

At the start of my break I got my son to drive me 2 hours to my sister's house in Brisbane. JUST ME. Normally it's a family trip - and we did all see her at Christmas and New Year. But this was for her birthday and she and I both just needed a relaxing weekend on our own. No kids, no men, no toddlers! We had the best couple of days but, apart from visiting the cemetery and doing a little shopping, we stayed in her house the entire time. We chatted a lot and watched some television. We also looked after a family of cats that she pet-sits occasionally for a friend, so that was an extra treat.

By the time I left her house a few days later I was super relaxed, ready to come home and enjoy the rest of my time off. She drove me to the nearest train station and we waited. And waited. And waited. There were a couple of other people waiting too and none of us could understand why the train wasn't coming. Many of Brisbane's suburban train stations are unmanned, so there were no staff to ask. Then I pulled out my phone and checked the local transport website, which I was still learning how to use, only to discover that train line was temporarily closed. No suburban trains were coming that day and I really needed to get into the city to make the connection with the Sunshine Coast train that would bring me home.

There were a couple of signs at the station (what a shame they couldn't have been bigger or more "LOOK AT ME!" in nature, we might have seen them earlier). We noticed them on our way out - just typical. Even then, at the written suggestion of where to catch a substitute bus from, my sister (an actual local) said, "I don't even know where those streets are!" Luckily, thanks to the internet and Google Maps, we figured it out. She drove me to the bus stop, where I was not helped at all by a transport worker who couldn't really answer any of my questions (that was frustrating) then I took a chance and jumped onto the next express bus that arrived. Thankfully that bus took me to a station where I was able to catch a train into the city where I needed to be. I had missed the first Sunshine Coast train I was intending to catch, but I was so late I didn't have to wait too long to catch the next (and only other) one. It all worked out well.

What a morning it had turned out to be, but I was calm throughout the entire process. I lived in Brisbane when I was younger and caught buses and trains all the time, so despite finding the website confusing I was confident that I could figure it out. Plus, I knew I could always go back to my sister's place and try again the next day.

I did enjoy the buses and trains; I'd be happy to travel that way more often. Next time though, I'll make sure I check the website more thoroughly for track closures!

Crazy Busy Middle Age

A few weeks ago, I turned 50. It was a great day and I felt very spoiled. My family took me out to a local strawberry farm for lunch. It's a great place, open to the public for only a few months of the year, where you can order delicious food to eat inside their big rustic shed cafe or outside at picnic tables and also pick your own strawberries to take home. We had a lovely time and enjoyed taking our little granddaughter through the strawberry fields.

I thought I should blog about that, then I came and looked at my page. Wow, it's been 6 months! I know we've had a few things happen that I considered blogging about during that period only to end up not having time or, in some cases, the inclination. Sometimes we go through things we don't want to blog about.

A few things have happened to ensure it's been a rough time, but we've also just been caught up in everyday life. With the rental situation being what it is, our daughter and granddaughter are still living with us. It's great, little Miss J really is being raised by a village for now and we all, our sons included, get to spend as much time with her as we want to. The only problem is, with all of us having jobs and school to keep up with, life can get pretty hectic.

My sister, who lives a couple of hours away, came for my birthday and stayed for a week afterwards. While she was here, she commented on how busy and tired we all are with a toddler in the house. She wasn't being critical, just observant.

She's right too. Our daughter's adorable little girl is constantly on the go. She's curious, adventurous, sociable and doesn't like to rest - so no one else gets to either! Plus, she has been unwell over the past couple of weeks, so she's been more clingy and demanding than usual (and wasn't able to attend day care). It really has been more tiring for us all. It's been hard to get anything else done, so the housework has fallen behind too. When I get the chance to do anthing, I find myself with so much more to do than I expected.

As an example, one morning I said to my sister, "If you're okay to watch her for me, I'll just pop to the bathroom for a minute." No problem, she loves playing with her grand-niece. I went and used the toilet, then noticed dirty washing on the bathroom floor while washing my hands. I scooped up the washing and went to the laundry to put it into the washing machine. The previous load was still in the machine so I transferred that to the dryer, then put the next load of washing on. Came back out of the laundry to be ambushed by the cat meowing for food. I filled her food bowl and remembered to grab a loaf of bread out of the chest freezer before heading back to the kitchen, where I put the bread on the bench, put away a couple of items that had been left out after breakfast and filled the sink with water to start soaking some dishes for washing up later on. My "minute" ended up being almost ten!

That was just one morning, but it shows why I'm so tired these days (and I'm certainly not the only family member who leaves the room to do one thing and gets caught up in a heap of extra chores on the way).

I commented to my eldest son recently that I still feel relatively young and healthy, to which he said, "You know, Mum, when I watch you doing everyday stuff around the house, you look the same as you did when I was little. You seem to have the same energy and do all the same things." What a wonderful thing to hear from one of your offspring - the very same people who are supposed to tease you for getting old (and don't worry, they do plenty of that too!).

I am fortunate to have pretty good health and I'm glad I can help out my daughter with her little one while she works to set them both up for the future. Sometimes I'm exhausted, but I'm also better these days at taking time for myself when I need to as well. Besides, I know one day they'll move out and we won't see them as often. I try to enjoy this time as much as I can (and occasionally lose myself in some quiet gardening!).

Life might be busy, but 50 looks alright so far.

The Spaces Between

Our eldest son has been home again recently, as I mentioned in my last blog post.

He showed us a clip on Youtube that he had found interesting. It was mostly a tutorial about an online game he has played recently, but the person presenting the video also talked about the memories we hold onto in life.

He made the point that while we assume the big, significant moments and milestones are what we'll remember, very often it's the small ones in between that really stick with us. This really jumped out at me.

I guess they tend to be the kinds of memories that are hard to describe to other people. Using my own as an example, it's things like the smile and hug my Mum would welcome me with when I arrived at her house for a visit. I can still see her smile and feel that hug. It's the quiet comfort I felt sitting with her to have a coffee and chat about absolutely anything that came to mind. It's those moments with my sister and brother when we were growing up, playing Scrabble or watching a favourite tv show, or all having a cup of Milo together after school. The times we comforted each other if one of us was scared or worried about something. The role-play games we played that no one else ever saw, the bike rides and bush-walking adventures we shared only with each other. Then there are the quiet moments that were just my own. Sitting on a hillside, writing in my notebook and looking out at the view. I can still see the long grass waving gently in the breeze and feel the calm that permeated my being, just sitting on the rock I'd chosen as my happy place to escape to.

There's a sensation associated with those memories for me, that I just can't replicate for anyone else. I know there are times I wish I could transport my kids to my childhood and actually get them to experience what I felt or saw. But obviously I can't do that ... and regardless of how good I may be with words, they'll never actually GET it. Everyone remembers the big things; the birthdays, weddings and family get-togethers that we were all a part of. If they don't remember them, there are photos. But those smaller moments - the spaces in between the events - are the memories that really form our feelings about our lives and they're incredibly personal and unique to each of us.

Sometimes, when life feels stagnant or even a bit stressful, it's thinking of those spaces in between that can bring comfort. We, as a family, are currently in such a big financial slump - and just last week we all came down with Covid-19. Feeling unwell on top of everything else we already have on our plates to worry about was just the icing on a not-very-pleasant cake.

The Caveman and I have struggled to get along well during all of this, mainly because we have vastly different ways of dealing with pressure. He, being on the autism spectrum, gets very overwhelmed and difficult to be around as he takes his frustrations and depression out on those closest to him. He becomes very negative when things aren't going well; it's as if he can't see that things will ever get better. He often falls into a "poor me" mindset, focusing on how badly things always go for him and how miserable his life is. It's hard to live with. That negativity can suck all the air out of the room when we're together and when he's in that mindset it can be overwhelming for all of us.

I tend to go more in the other direction. Yes, I'm upset about situations too, but I have become much better in recent years at letting go of what I can't control and, in fact, I often find that I feel positive about the future even when things are looking dire. I seem to have an innate trust that things will come good in the end and that we will always find a way through. We've made it through every other stressful situation we've faced together, so I have faith that our lives will take a turn for the better again soon.

Maybe that's MY coping mechanism, believing in a positive future to avoid getting bogged down in the difficulties of the day-to-day. I've had moments in the past when I was bothered about our situation in life and that we really aren't in the position we always assumed we would be at this stage. But it's not productive to look too deeply into that, or I could get lost in thinking about all the things we should have done differently. If believing in a brighter future gets me through, then I'm okay with it.

That, and focusing on those in-between spaces .. the quiet moments, the memories that bring me the most comfort. The ones other people can never understand, because they are entirely our own.

Grown Ups

The craziest thing about being an adult, I've decided, is seeing your own children grow up. It blows my mind ... it only seems like a couple of years ago they were all so little and now I'm watching them run their own lives and make big decisions for themselves.

Recently our eldest son helped some friends move house. He packed their belongings into his van - which also doubles as his bedroom when he's visiting us - and drove it 2 hours away to their new home. Last week he used that same van to help me clear out our garage and take a lot of unwanted items to the tip. He's in between permanent jobs (and accommodation) at the moment, so he picked up some casual work while he's visiting us and I know when he finds something more long-term he'll move to wherever he has to in order to make it work.

Before going to work this morning, our daughter handed over her baby to her ex-partner for his usual access visit. When she gets home from work this afternoon, before baby comes home again, she'll also be studying (as she works as an apprentice hairdresser). She's a fantastic mum. She co-parents well with her ex and our baby granddaughter is thriving.

These things sound pretty mundane in the grand scheme of things, but it has suddenly struck me how grown up both "kids" are now. I'm impressed by their work ethic, as well as their ability to just get in and do what has to be done - whether it's helping others or doing jobs around our house, or adjusting to single parenthood and all the responsibilities that go with it.

We also love spending time with them on more of a "peer" level. They're not just our children any more, they're our friends. People we've raised, who happen to share some of our interests, our sense of humour and enjoy spending time with us. We can all do separate things every night of the week, but still enjoy all sitting together in front of a Harry Potter movie too.

Of course this includes our younger son, who is now nearly 16. Like his older siblings when they were his age, he doesn't love school. We've started talking about what his other options might be and we're prepared for the fact that he may choose to find a job and leave school entirely. That's okay with us, we've been through it before with the older two and they both found their own way. We know he will be okay too, whatever path he chooses.

We still parent them too much at times; helping out when they could manage for themselves, or giving advice when they don't really want it ... but there is also so much joy and pride in seeing them become self-sufficient adults.

It's good sometimes to just take a step back and admire them, for how far they've come and how much they've learned along the way - and for the fact that our "little" boys are now both over 6 feet tall and have matching beards!

Just Keep Paddling

The new year is off to a flying start! Seriously, I can't believe we're nearly through February already.

Our life hasn't slowed down a bit; we've all got "stuff" going on. The Caveman and I have been in a bit of a slump emotionally and financially, while we both deal with some health issues and general worries around work and family.

I noticed an increase in my menopause symptoms, so I saw my doctor for an increase in Menopausal Hormone Therapy. When I first realised I was experiencing peri-menopause the idea of using MHT (or HRT, as it used to be known) was not even on my radar. Around 20 years ago, the media reported that hormone therapy caused an increase in breast cancer rates. It was enough to scare lots of doctors and menopausal women away from using it, including me when I started showing signs of peri-menopause. I was determined to deal with the changes "naturally".

Luckily, I know now that the main study that prompted those headlines was flawed. The risk is slightly increased if you already have pre-cancerous cells. Otherwise, MHT IS the most natural treatment and the health benefits far outweigh the risk of me developing breast cancer. Besides, menopausal symptoms can actually be quite debilitating if left untreated.

Some women breeze through this stage and barely notice a difference ... well, it turns out I'm not one of them! The hot flushes and mood swings (the main symptoms people talk openly about) are bad enough to deal with ... but throw in fatigue, depression, anxiety, "brain fog", bladder issues, sleeplessness, joint pain and the charming bonus of vaginal atrophy, and most people would try anything that has even a small chance of helping.

I joined a menopause support group online and discovered so many other women going through the same things. I got a lot of information about MHT and saved my sanity by getting onto the right treatment. Not to mention with MHT I'm cutting my risk of various other cancers, dementia and loss of bone density by supplementing my hormone loss.

On top of dealing with the joys of middle age, I've had a lot going on at home. Having a baby in the house is exhausting (no surprises there!). I help my daughter as much as I can, and I know she's grateful, but then she sometimes feels inadequate for needing help in the first place so it's important I don't overstep the mark. Seeing her trying to balance being a single mother along with her job makes me feel so proud, but I worry about her wearing herself out too.

Our eldest son is currently going through some upheaval in his life and our youngest is struggling with a lack of motivation which is affecting his interest in attending school, so as a mum it's natural for me to worry about them as well.

My husband's health can present challenges too; from physical limitations to mental health fluctuations. In fact, I've recently been assessed as being at risk of "carer strain".

(Considering the whole point of my day job is to relieve the strain for my client's carers, the irony of this is not lost on me!)

On the subject of work though, I'm finding my job also wears me down more than it used to and I definitely feel the effects of burnout sometimes.

It all sounds a bit doom-and-gloom, but it's not really. I still find time for friends and relaxation, plus I generally keep a good sense of humour about most things. We've all known too many people who have passed away at an early age, or had life-altering health issues when they least expected it. If there's one thing I do want to do, it's to look after my health and enjoy the life I have while I can.

Like most mums, I wear myself out trying to do everything for everyone, so I'm working on that too. I have become better at not holding onto as much stress as I get older - I can figure out what matters and let the rest go.

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm like the proverbial duck ... appearing calm on the surface, but paddling madly under the water!

Christmas

The year is coming to an end, and boy, what a year it's been!

Of course, the biggest change to our family came in June, with the arrival of our gorgeous little granddaughter. Baby J has added so much to our lives. We can't remember when we were this busy, but we adore her and she is just so rewarding. Of course, at 6 months of age now, she is really developing her own little personality and is very interactive with everyone.

Our daughter, through becoming a mother, has grown so much. She is a happy single mum - gone are the bad old days when having a baby on your own at a young age was considered "ruining your life". She has a good, supportive social group; they're a good mix of single friends as well as other mums of varying ages. She's also gone back to work two days a week as a hairdressing apprentice, which is great for her confidence, and those are the days the baby goes to her Daddy's house. Our daughter and her ex work together to include both families in their baby girl's life and she brings everyone so much joy.

We usually have a big Christmas at our house, with family coming from a couple of hours away to spend the day (or a few days!) with us. This year is looking a little more low-key, as it will just be the Caveman's mother joining us for the day. We will have a couple more family members arriving on Boxing Day, but won't be seeing our eldest son who lives a few hours away - he came for a visit last week though, so that makes up for it somewhat.

We haven't had the same happy, excited mood we usually have leading up to Christmas. It's a combination of me working a lot recently, the Caveman dealing with some mental health issues, us all being busy and muddling our way through a couple of financial struggles. Things have been hard, that's for sure. However, as the big day has been drawing closer, I've found I'm getting a bit more enthusiastic about it. Perhaps it comes down to the effort that goes into choosing a gift for someone you care about. Up until I had time to focus on what I was giving each person, I just didn't have time to really care about it.

Anyway, now it's Christmas Eve and we have everything ready for a pretty casual day tomorrow ... the best kind of Christmas, really. Of course, our baby grandaughter having her first Christmas is a pretty big deal, so we are all looking forward to that.

The important thing, as always, is that we get to spend time with loved ones, remember those gone and enjoy the moment while we have it.