Grown Ups

The craziest thing about being an adult, I've decided, is seeing your own children grow up. It blows my mind ... it only seems like a couple of years ago they were all so little and now I'm watching them run their own lives and make big decisions for themselves.

Recently our eldest son helped some friends move house. He packed their belongings into his van - which also doubles as his bedroom when he's visiting us - and drove it 2 hours away to their new home. Last week he used that same van to help me clear out our garage and take a lot of unwanted items to the tip. He's in between permanent jobs (and accommodation) at the moment, so he picked up some casual work while he's visiting us and I know when he finds something more long-term he'll move to wherever he has to in order to make it work.

Before going to work this morning, our daughter handed over her baby to her ex-partner for his usual access visit. When she gets home from work this afternoon, before baby comes home again, she'll also be studying (as she works as an apprentice hairdresser). She's a fantastic mum. She co-parents well with her ex and our baby granddaughter is thriving.

These things sound pretty mundane in the grand scheme of things, but it has suddenly struck me how grown up both "kids" are now. I'm impressed by their work ethic, as well as their ability to just get in and do what has to be done - whether it's helping others or doing jobs around our house, or adjusting to single parenthood and all the responsibilities that go with it.

We also love spending time with them on more of a "peer" level. They're not just our children any more, they're our friends. People we've raised, who happen to share some of our interests, our sense of humour and enjoy spending time with us. We can all do separate things every night of the week, but still enjoy all sitting together in front of a Harry Potter movie too.

Of course this includes our younger son, who is now nearly 16. Like his older siblings when they were his age, he doesn't love school. We've started talking about what his other options might be and we're prepared for the fact that he may choose to find a job and leave school entirely. That's okay with us, we've been through it before with the older two and they both found their own way. We know he will be okay too, whatever path he chooses.

We still parent them too much at times; helping out when they could manage for themselves, or giving advice when they don't really want it ... but there is also so much joy and pride in seeing them become self-sufficient adults.

It's good sometimes to just take a step back and admire them, for how far they've come and how much they've learned along the way - and for the fact that our "little" boys are now both over 6 feet tall and have matching beards!

Just Keep Paddling

The new year is off to a flying start! Seriously, I can't believe we're nearly through February already.

Our life hasn't slowed down a bit; we've all got "stuff" going on. The Caveman and I have been in a bit of a slump emotionally and financially, while we both deal with some health issues and general worries around work and family.

I noticed an increase in my menopause symptoms, so I saw my doctor for an increase in Menopausal Hormone Therapy. When I first realised I was experiencing peri-menopause the idea of using MHT (or HRT, as it used to be known) was not even on my radar. Around 20 years ago, the media reported that hormone therapy caused an increase in breast cancer rates. It was enough to scare lots of doctors and menopausal women away from using it, including me when I started showing signs of peri-menopause. I was determined to deal with the changes "naturally".

Luckily, I know now that the main study that prompted those headlines was flawed. The risk is slightly increased if you already have pre-cancerous cells. Otherwise, MHT IS the most natural treatment and the health benefits far outweigh the risk of me developing breast cancer. Besides, menopausal symptoms can actually be quite debilitating if left untreated.

Some women breeze through this stage and barely notice a difference ... well, it turns out I'm not one of them! The hot flushes and mood swings (the main symptoms people talk openly about) are bad enough to deal with ... but throw in fatigue, depression, anxiety, "brain fog", bladder issues, sleeplessness, joint pain and the charming bonus of vaginal atrophy, and most people would try anything that has even a small chance of helping.

I joined a menopause support group online and discovered so many other women going through the same things. I got a lot of information about MHT and saved my sanity by getting onto the right treatment. Not to mention with MHT I'm cutting my risk of various other cancers, dementia and loss of bone density by supplementing my hormone loss.

On top of dealing with the joys of middle age, I've had a lot going on at home. Having a baby in the house is exhausting (no surprises there!). I help my daughter as much as I can, and I know she's grateful, but then she sometimes feels inadequate for needing help in the first place so it's important I don't overstep the mark. Seeing her trying to balance being a single mother along with her job makes me feel so proud, but I worry about her wearing herself out too.

Our eldest son is currently going through some upheaval in his life and our youngest is struggling with a lack of motivation which is affecting his interest in attending school, so as a mum it's natural for me to worry about them as well.

My husband's health can present challenges too; from physical limitations to mental health fluctuations. In fact, I've recently been assessed as being at risk of "carer strain".

(Considering the whole point of my day job is to relieve the strain for my client's carers, the irony of this is not lost on me!)

On the subject of work though, I'm finding my job also wears me down more than it used to and I definitely feel the effects of burnout sometimes.

It all sounds a bit doom-and-gloom, but it's not really. I still find time for friends and relaxation, plus I generally keep a good sense of humour about most things. We've all known too many people who have passed away at an early age, or had life-altering health issues when they least expected it. If there's one thing I do want to do, it's to look after my health and enjoy the life I have while I can.

Like most mums, I wear myself out trying to do everything for everyone, so I'm working on that too. I have become better at not holding onto as much stress as I get older - I can figure out what matters and let the rest go.

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm like the proverbial duck ... appearing calm on the surface, but paddling madly under the water!

Christmas

The year is coming to an end, and boy, what a year it's been!

Of course, the biggest change to our family came in June, with the arrival of our gorgeous little granddaughter. Baby J has added so much to our lives. We can't remember when we were this busy, but we adore her and she is just so rewarding. Of course, at 6 months of age now, she is really developing her own little personality and is very interactive with everyone.

Our daughter, through becoming a mother, has grown so much. She is a happy single mum - gone are the bad old days when having a baby on your own at a young age was considered "ruining your life". She has a good, supportive social group; they're a good mix of single friends as well as other mums of varying ages. She's also gone back to work two days a week as a hairdressing apprentice, which is great for her confidence, and those are the days the baby goes to her Daddy's house. Our daughter and her ex work together to include both families in their baby girl's life and she brings everyone so much joy.

We usually have a big Christmas at our house, with family coming from a couple of hours away to spend the day (or a few days!) with us. This year is looking a little more low-key, as it will just be the Caveman's mother joining us for the day. We will have a couple more family members arriving on Boxing Day, but won't be seeing our eldest son who lives a few hours away - he came for a visit last week though, so that makes up for it somewhat.

We haven't had the same happy, excited mood we usually have leading up to Christmas. It's a combination of me working a lot recently, the Caveman dealing with some mental health issues, us all being busy and muddling our way through a couple of financial struggles. Things have been hard, that's for sure. However, as the big day has been drawing closer, I've found I'm getting a bit more enthusiastic about it. Perhaps it comes down to the effort that goes into choosing a gift for someone you care about. Up until I had time to focus on what I was giving each person, I just didn't have time to really care about it.

Anyway, now it's Christmas Eve and we have everything ready for a pretty casual day tomorrow ... the best kind of Christmas, really. Of course, our baby grandaughter having her first Christmas is a pretty big deal, so we are all looking forward to that.

The important thing, as always, is that we get to spend time with loved ones, remember those gone and enjoy the moment while we have it.

Senior Moment

I wrote a blog post in 2019 about a funny moment I'd had with a client at work. I was making the man's lunch when he looked me up and down and commented, 'you know, you've still got an alright figure for an old bird.'

I was a bit shocked, but we shared a laugh about it and moved on.

I do recall thinking at the time, "Wow, I must be starting to show my age." Luckily, I was able to laugh at the absurdity of the comment, coming from a much older person, and didn't let it bother me too much.

I was reminded of this moment recently, when my Caveman had an unfortunate experience. He was walking through one of our local shopping centres and a small child who was running ahead of his mother almost ran into his legs. The mother called out to her son, "Be careful, you nearly bumped into that old man!"

Now, this poor "old" husband of mine turned 50 this year. Granted, he has less hair than he used to, and what he does have tends to stick up at all angles in a "mad professor" style. He is currently wearing an outdated pair of glasses because his good ones are broken and he's waiting for a new pair to arrive. He also walks with an awkward gait - this is partly due to his autism, but mainly because his body is a little worn out from his previous life as a semi-serious cricket player. Of course, we also became grandparents this year. But to be referred to as an OLD man?

Naturally, this didn't please him. He confessed to me later that he was actually a bit hurt when it happened. Luckily, by the time he was back in the car and driving home, he was able to see the funny side of the incident. As a result, he was able to tell us all the story of it that night, knowing that we would give him a bit of gentle ribbing about his age. Which, of course, we did. I mean, how could we not?

I did point out to him that the little boy's mother might not have taken a good look at him ... or she may have even realised her mistake and berated herself as she walked away. He responded that I'll be 50 myself in less than a year from now and to see how I feel when it happens to me. He has a point. None of us like to be mistaken for being older than we are. For now though, I don't feel old yet and I don't believe 50 counts as old anyway.

Of course, we'll see if I'm still that positive about it when the time comes!

Listen and Learn

My daughter and I had a difficult conversation a few days ago. She was in a bit of a mood and decided it was time to tell her father and me what she thinks of our parenting.

Not how we raised HER, specifically, more about how we're raising our youngest son compared to our older two kids. It was the standard complaint of, "He gets away with so much more than we did, he should be doing more chores around the house."

You see, our Cavegirl and her older brother are six and eight years older than our youngest, respectively. It's not that large a gap really, but the changes to our world that happened in that time affected a lot. When she and her big brother were small, the internet was still young. We barely touched our computer for entertainment purposes. We had mobile phones, but they weren't "smart". We had some movies in DVD format, but nothing available to watch online and we even kept pay tv to a minimum. It wasn't just the electronic side of things either; our life circumstances were different. We were both home full-time and spent any spare time and energy we had renovating the house we lived in. We allowed the kids to help us where they could and we occasionally gave them jobs to do around the house.

Fast-forward a few years and their younger brother came into a slightly different world. When he was small, we sold our house and went back to renting. We both got jobs outside of the home. The whole family used the computer a lot more and the internet played a much bigger part in our family entertainment, with online games, YouTube and smartphones becoming the norm. He has naturally been exposed to more screen time than the older two were at the same age. We still encouraged outdoor activity, but our youngest never enjoyed sport as much as the others had.

As time has gone on and our life has become so busy, we probably have let him get away with more than his older siblings did. It hasn't helped that the Caveman and I have been more involved with work and have had less energy for chasing up on making sure chores were done and that sort of thing. I'm guilty of falling into the same bad habits as any other busy mum ... you'd think, when you're time-poor, that you'd be better at delegating jobs to other family members. However, the truth is it's often easier and faster to just do the jobs yourself when you realise they haven't been done by anyone else.

The fact is, we've never pushed our children that hard - and even the older two weren't given as much to do as our Cavegirl is remembering. But it's natural for us all to recall things slightly differently to how they really were, so I allowed her to say her piece. As a new mum herself, it's important for her to think about this stuff, and I can handle some constructive criticism. I know at the age of 15 my boy is capable of, and should be, doing more to help around the house.

When she finished what she had to say and looked at me a little nervously, I gave her a hug and thanked her. That might seem a strange response, but I was so proud of her for being brave enough to tell me what she thought ... and I know how hard it is to tell someone (especially your parent!) that you think they could be doing something better. I remember feeling the same way about my mum and how she parented my younger brother many years ago and I'm not sure I could have approached the subject with her as maturely as my daughter did with me.

I guess the moral of the story is that we can all learn from each other. I've always taught my children that respect is a two-way street and that I will listen to their opinions with the same consideration I would give any other person. They may see things differently to me and I can learn from that.

The beautiful result is that my kids have now grown into young adults who respect other peoples' opinions too.

The Wild West

The Caveman and I have recently returned from an amazing 5-day getaway to the other side of the country.

My best friend lives in a region south of Perth and we decided a couple of years ago that we should save up and splash out on a visit to her. She has family on our side of the country and normally we only get to see her when she comes across to see them - and then only if she's visiting Queensland. It's a long and expensive trip, so it doesn't happen often.

Our original plan was to go last year, as a treat for her birthday, but Covid travel restrictions meant we had to postpone. We put the trip back nearly a year and finally went last month.

It was the Caveman's first visit to Western Australia. I lived there for a few years as a child, but further north ... so, even though I do have some memories of Perth, this felt like my first time seeing it properly. We stayed in central Perth for the first and last nights of our holiday, but the other three nights we stayed about an hour south of the city, in our friend's home region.

We were lucky with the weather. There were predictions of cold and rainy days for the duration of our visit but we were pleasantly surprised when most of the days ended up being more dry than expected.

The activities we did were varied and interesting. Of course the most important aim of the trip was to spend time with a dear friend. However, you can't go nearly 4000 kms (five and a half hours on the plane!) to a new place and not have a list of things you'd like to do or see while there. We managed to do everything on our list, which we were absolutely thrilled with. We saw lots of nature, firstly at the extensive botanic gardens in Perth, then also seeing wildflowers and flowering native shrubs on the sides of the road everywhere we went. We also saw fossilised rocks (that was for my paleontology-loving Caveman), paid our respects at a couple of significant Aboriginal sites and visited the historic Fremantle Prison to learn more about the convict era. We toured a number of small towns with our friend and got a feel for where she has lived much of her life. As an added bonus, we were able to catch up with another friend who happened to move to the area just a few years ago. The two friends are completely unrelated to each other and have never even met, so it's sheer coincidence that they live in the same region now! Great for us on this trip though.

The flight back to Queensland was only four hours long, apparently thanks to the way the winds move over Australia. Meteorology is not my strong point, so I didn't pay attention to the details, but I was grateful for the faster trip home - although I was very sad to leave WA and our friend.

All in all, it was a fantastic holiday and one we would happily do again in future if the opportunity ever presents itself. In fact, with more money and time available, we'd go further and see more of Western Australia, perhaps even getting up towards where my family lived when I was young, in the Pilbara region.

Now THAT would be the trip of a lifetime!

The Best Date

The 12th of August is our wedding anniversary. This year marks 24 years since we married - and we'd met four years before that, so we've actually been together for 28 years

We are always quite proud of our anniversaries, partly because we have had a lot of ups and downs to contend with over the course of our relationship - and there have definitely been some rocky patches.

But we're also proud because we came from separated homes ourselves. In both cases our parents separated but still got along well with each other and maintained a friendship after getting through the initial split, so the term "broken home" doesn't feel quite right to me. We've each lost a parent in recent years and it's been just as upsetting for the other parent - their ex - as it was for anyone else in the family.

The Caveman and I are both very aware that we were incredibly lucky to have that example from our parents, so friendship has always been the foundation of our relationship. We talk to each other the way you'd talk to a best friend and, to be honest, it always surprises me when I speak to other people who don't have that kind of relationship with their partner. If you can't be completely open with the person you've chosen to spend your life with then ... why?

Obviously I know there are many and varied reasons for different relationships being the way they are and a lot of couples are quite happy not sharing every little detail with their partner. I also know that our method wouldn't work for everyone - heck, there have been times it hasn't quite worked for us! It is possible to talk too much and still not resolve anything. For the Caveman, being on the autistic spectrum means he tends to overthink and the easiest way for him to process that is to also over-talk. I'm not on the spectrum but I was raised in a family where everything was shared and discussed thoroughly, so it's really not surprising that the two of us together tend to talk most topics to death. It's such a natural thing for us that we've only become more aware of it as the kids have grown older. So now we try to be mindful around their partners and friends ... who perhaps haven't grown up the same way and might find us a bit overwhelming.

Even we do occasionally have times where we feel like we're just going around in circles without achieving an outcome and one of us will say, "Okay, I'm done with the talking!"

For the most part though, our communication has been a lifeline for our relationship. We are honest with each other and we are both prepared to hear the other out if there is an issue. We might get a bit defensive if we feel like we're being criticised (and we certainly argue), but we both prefer to hear the problem and work through it rather than pretend that everything is alright.

We've always agreed that the three things you need for a good marriage are friendship, communication and laughter. Laughter is super important - and no, I don't mean laughing AT each other (although that's great too, done in the right way!). But to be able to make each other laugh and to find a shared humour even in hard times is a real blessing.

On a lighter note, a couple that we're friends with actually got married today, on our anniversary! We were unable to attend, primarily due to my work commitments, but we sent them our best wishes and I did point out to the bride some weeks ago that I thought they'd picked a fantastic date for the big day. After all, it's been a lucky date for us.