Rising Again

In the past 10 months, there have been times I've thought, "I should do another blog post". Then I'd log on and see the last one, with the fire, and it would
take the wind right out of my sails.

The first half of this year was incredibly hard. The fire took a massive toll on us. After weeks of back and forth with the insurance company, trying to prove what we owned and that it was all IN the shed, we finally got a payout - which then wasn't as much as we had hoped for. It helped, certainly, but it didn't cover much of what we'd lost. Then it was two whole months
before the shed was demolished. Eight weeks of having the burnt-out shell sitting, roped off, in the yard. We couldn't walk, or even look, out the back of the house without being confronted by it. We all felt guilt for the fire happening, while still trying to come to terms with everything we'd lost.

The official fire report came as a complete shock - it was along the lines of "We can't determine for sure what started the fire, but hey, the police report said the kids had a smoking area nearby, so let's just go with that being the most likely cause". As a result, the homeowner's insurer decided that we owed them the amount they'd paid out to the owners for the loss of the shed. It was double what we'd got from our insurer - which we have nothing left of anyway, because we did what we were supposed to do and spent it on replacing what we could. That caused major stress for us, but the insurance companies are apparently battling it out between themselves in court.

These are all things I think of now whenever I hear there has been a fire. The "aftermath" stuff that no one ever knows about unless they experience it.

Our landlords got their payout for the shed and planned to build a new one, then decided to just put the house on the market instead. We could see their reasoning; they could keep the money from the shed, sell the house (for a great price in the current market) and be well on the way to financial freedom. I mean, of course that's the obvious way to go. It just put us in a terrible position. For rental tenants, this year has been the worst for finding a new place to live. We had visions of ending up camped by the river, like so many others in our area. The owners also still needed to do work on the house, which they'd been renovating since we moved in, so we had them around us regularly while we were all dealing with the fallout from the fire. They said we didn't have to rush to move, but really? By that stage, we just wanted to be out of there.

With the emotional toll of everything we were dealing with, and the unexpected death of a very dear friend, my Caveman became totally overwhelmed. He plunged into a deep, at one stage suicidal, depression. Unfortunately, I was struggling to cope with everything too, so our marriage was rocky for a while and that took a bit of clawing back. Without the support of his psychologist, I'm not sure he'd still be here now, or that we'd be together.

So far, so miserable, right?

Luckily, things did start to turn around and the second half of the year has definitely been better. Our eldest son moved with friends to another town, three and a half hours away. Initially, this felt like another blow, but he was stepping well out of his comfort zone by moving so far away from us and it has really paid off for him. The job opportunities are much better there, so he has worked solidly since arriving 6 months ago. We miss him but we all visit each other when we can and he seems more mature and confident each time.

Just a couple of days before the fire, our Cavegirl had transitioned from being an assistant at a local salon to beginning a hairdressing apprenticeship. She has done a great job of sticking with it during all the turmoil and really seems to have found the right job and social network for herself. Like her big brother, her maturity and confidence has impressed us as the year has gone on.

Our "littlest" Caveman, now 6'3" (nearly as tall as his brother!), has shown maturity beyond his 14 years. He kept checking on the rest of us after the fire, as if it were his job to make sure everyone was alright. We got him some counselling to make sure he was okay, but he is fine. He focuses on living a typical teenage life, pushing the usual boundaries, but we're really very close.

We were incredibly fortunate to be approved for another rental house, which we moved into in early July. We love our new house. It's a 1980's home, so it feels roomy and comfortable, with a big yard and gardens we enjoy looking after. We are still "townies", but we have always liked this area. Moving here felt like a fresh start so we have made the most of it. The Caveman's mental health has improved so much and I am now on hormones for my menopause, which means we are both in a better place emotionally. I've cut back my work hours a little, we're living a healthier lifestyle and making more time for each other. Our relationship is much better than it was and we're back to enjoying the time we spend together.

Moving house swallowed up the last of the money we had left from our insurance payout and we still have to wait and see what the outcome is of the upcoming court case, but in the meantime we are focused on living day to day. We keep getting rid of clutter. We all joke that losing so much in the fire was a great way to downsize in a hurry and it's inspired us to have less "stuff". Of course it's not funny, but if we didn't laugh, we'd cry for everything we lost. We salvaged a few precious things from the rubble, but I haven't sorted through very much of it yet. The burnt smell bothers me. For months after the fire, I would wake in the middle of the night and panic, thinking the house was burning down. I'm a lot better now, but fear of fire will probably be with me - all of us - for a long time yet. We are still on friendly terms with our previous landlords, although we prefer not to dwell on how things have worked out for them compared to us. It's not helpful. I'd rather focus on gratitude and optimism.

To use a clichè, we do feel like we're rising from the ashes. There is so much to be thankful for and - fingers crossed! - a bright future still ahead.

Silver Linings

Our new year has been very eventful. After a wonderful, happy Christmas, we settled in for the new year and then everything went to pieces. It's been a dramatic start, to put it mildly. I'm not even really sure where to start, so I'll just jump right in...

Our new house came with a very large detached timber shed in the back yard, which we stored a lot of our belongings in. Mostly items we couldn't move into the house yet as the landlords have been painting and decorating around us. In the early hours of last Tuesday morning, that shed went up in flames.

It's not something that really had any publicity - it got a very short local article as "shed burns down", which made it sound like a small garden shed. We haven't made a huge deal of it either so, apart from a couple of nosy people driving slowly down the street to try and see where the fire happened, we've been left alone by everyone. Which is lovely, actually. That in itself has been an eye opener for the kids in the importance of keeping a distance after something like this happens to someone. Not family or friends, obviously, of course we love seeing them and having support. But it's a stressful time and the last thing anyone needs is random strangers or media just wanting the gory details of what happened.

As for the obvious question - how did it start? Well, heartbreakingly, our older kids spent a couple of days blaming themselves. They had a hangout area behind the shed and they were worried they'd accidentally left a mosquito coil burning, which may have ignited something that spread to the building. They were honest about it with the fire investigators and police, and were assured they weren't in any trouble, but they were naturally distressed to think they may have been responsible.

However, the landlord's insurance assessor and the fire investigators have since said that they believe it more likely started IN the shed; an electrical fault maybe? Looking more closely at the burnt out shell, I can see why they've drawn that conclusion ... the area of the shed closest to where the kids hung out doesn't have as much damage as other areas do. That, at least, is reassuring - it's been distressing to see how the kids' mental health is affected when they blame themselves for something like this.

So, on the practical side of things, the landlords shouldn't have any trouble with their insurance and we have contents insurance, so we are following up with ours too. We had around half of all we our belongings in that shed - not just tools and garden equipment, but so many things just not needed in the house yet. Boxes of craft items, some linen and clothing, books, camping and fishing gear, sports equipment, cooking gear and electrical appliances, dart boards, pool table, paintings, etc.

Of course, the worst things to have lost - which insurance really can't help with - are the sentimental things. Hundreds of photos and albums, our wedding memorabilia, family history records, sports trophies, items that belonged to the Caveman's Dad and my Mum before they passed away. Absolutely priceless treasures, to us.

Obviously the most important thing is that we're all physically okay and it didn't spread to the house. We're traumatised, certainly. It was the most surreal thing to stand there and watch the shed burn; we all felt absolute dread. We won't easily forget being woken by the neighbours banging on the door to tell us there was a fire. We will be forever grateful to the firefighters, who stopped it spreading to the house (or anywhere else!). We are totally in awe of what those guys do, they are worth their weight in gold. Our landlords have been great too.

I am currently on leave from work - not because of the fire; this break was already planned. However, I'd had intentions of sorting more of our belongings into the house, visiting family, relaxing and having fun. Now I'm just feeling a bit lost. There is nothing left anymore for me to bring in from the shed. I've caught up with only a couple of family members, as I don't really feel like being particularly sociable. I also don't know if the Caveman and I can leave the house for long while we're still dealing with insurance assessors and unsure of when someone will come to demolish what is left of the shed. We're all tired, stressed out and sick of looking at (and smelling) the charred remains of so much of our stuff.

Right now we're holding each other close, getting through it with humour and treasuring every sentimental thing we come across. It's been somewhat of a relief to discover a number of precious items I didn't realise I had already moved into the house.

It is in my nature to look for the silver linings. Admittedly, that's not always easy when we've lost so much, but we are also aware that it all could have been much worse. The house is fine and no one was injured.

We know we will be okay ... it just might take a while to recover from this.

Townies

I'm aware that no one reads my blog regularly - maybe one or two friends check in occasionally - and it means that I can easily step away and forget about it while I get on with life. So I do apologise if I have any ghost followers out there who were hanging out for an update, haha.

In these past few months, while the world has been in turmoil with COVID, we experienced a number of changes. Yes, my menopause journey, as per my previous blog post. But also, our two older children managed to find jobs that they both love. After quite a long period out of work for them both, I am proud of the work ethic they have and the confidence they've gained. They have really impressed me with their attitudes and how grown up they've become, after all the dramas of those turbulent teenage years.

Our youngest, meanwhile, is really coming into his own as a teenager - the moodiness has definitely arrived, although the sweetness of my "not so little" boy (he's nearly 6 feet tall now) still shows through at times. He was more pleased than we expected to get back to normal school when it opened up again and his report card for last term was definitely an improvement on previous ones. Of course, now he's just excited to be on Christmas holidays.

The biggest news for us - as shown by the picture above - is that we have moved house. We were in the old house for nearly 7 years and, while we loved living there, as renters we are at the mercy of the landlords. They needed to get the place ready to sell, so we had to go. It's not as nasty as that might sound - they were great to us but we knew for a while that this was on the cards. The rental market is terrible just now, so it's a scary time to be looking for another house. There are very few houses available and the ones that are usually get dozens of applications from potential tenants. We were very concerned about how we might go finding another place.

Luckily, we were offered a house by a friend. So we have left our 'semi rural' house to move back into town, closer to everything. We miss having all that country space around us (and that view!) but we're also enjoying the convenience that comes with being 'townies' again; easier access to shops, school and other facilities. The house backs onto a park, so that gives us a little more breathing room, and the home has a lovely feel to it. The owners are doing some renovations around us (painting, new bathroom, etc), so settling in has been a slow process, but the house is coming along nicely and we love living here so far.

Our plans to move completely away from the area are currently on hold, but that comes down to other factors too - the Caveman being off work at the moment with a back problem, the kids all wanting to stay here for now, a lack of funds available for moving further away to a more expensive area. It's not off the table for the future, but this is where we'll stay for the time being. We are honestly just grateful to have somewhere to live and incredibly thankful that things have fallen into place up to this point.

So that's our crazy family update. There always seems to be something going on with us ... but we manage to find a way through and our first priority is always each other x

It's the Change!

We've had a bit going on ... for a number of months now! I'll try to ignore that my last blog post was in May (!) and just focus on catching up on all our recent events over the next few posts.

First of all, the joys of growing (just a little) older. It seems I've hit a new stage in my life ... one that all women go through between the ages of 45 and 55, on average. Yes, I'm apparently experiencing "the menopause". Or showing pre-menopausal symptoms, at least.

I realised what was happening back in August and, due to living in a COVID-affected world, I had to book a phone appointment with my doctor. When he rang, I was able to tell him exactly what I had. It was a simple call; I listed my symptoms and he said, "Yes, that sounds like menopause." I mean, obviously he asked questions to rule out other possible causes - but that was the outcome.

On a side note: I discovered that not being face-to-face with the doctor meant I was more comfortable going into personal details than I would normally be. I wonder if this is the case for other people? Are doctors hearing more about their patients now than they ever have before? It must have been quite an adjustment for them too.

I announced to my family that I was embarking on the roller coaster known as menopause, as you do. Well, as I do. (Thanks Mum, again. I was raised to not keep this stuff to myself!).

I like for the kids to be informed so they know what to expect. The eldest son said, "Oh no, I had hoped to be moved out before you hit this stage."
Well, thank you son. I know who I'm taking my unpredictable moods out on first.

The youngest said, "Haha, you're old".
Yes, he's on the list too.

My husband, usually a man of reasonable intelligence, chuckled at me taking my jacket off, putting it back on, taking it off again (damn these hot flushes!).

My list of people I'm allowed to growl at is growing.

The only person with the good sense to not make fun of me was my daughter - perhaps because she knows it will be her one day.

In seriousness though, so far I feel I'm coping well. I've had a few women share their experiences with me, so I know how different it can be for each of us. I feel like my attitude is generally positive, although my fuse can be a little shorter (just ask my family!). I was worried about having hot flushes in Summer - back in August they were pretty easy to deal with - but when we had a heatwave last weekend, I felt it was manageable (enough). I kept asking everyone "Is it just me? Or is everyone feeling this?". I'm keeping up with my exercise and a healthy diet. We've had a lot of things going on, so I've learned to be better at taking "me" time when I feel a bit overwhelmed.

It doesn't bother me to be getting older - I know I'm still young at heart, where it really counts. And the Caveman, who hates a breeze of any kind in the bedroom while he's sleeping, is learning to live with open windows and a fan on!

Learning Together

Ah, the joys of homeschooling.

Of course, it's been suggested we don't use that term. Our kids are "Learning at Home", using resources sent by their real school teachers. We parents are just here for guidance.

Here in Queensland (and I believe this goes for most of Australia at the moment) during this pandemic, parents have been asked to keep their kids at home for learning if they are able to. Schools are officially only open for students whose parents are essential workers or who have no other option. The Caveman and I are both essential workers, so we are in the category of parents who are encouraged to send their kids to school - and we were going to. Really, it would have been great to wave the youngest Caveman off on the first day back after the Easter holidays.

However, when we saw his report card from last term it was time for a serious discussion. He's never had a deep desire to be at school and has always had trouble concentrating and getting his work done. Unfortunately, being nearly thirteen, if he doesn't knuckle down now, he'll never catch up. We asked him what HE would rather do and he chose to try doing his school work at home. The Caveman's work hours have dropped a bit since all this started, so we knew there would be a parent at home for at least three days each week. Our two older children were happy to pick up the slack for the other couple of days, since they are currently housebound too. Our hope was that maybe, with a bit more one-on-one guidance, he would pick the work up more quickly.

So far, our theory seems to be working. It's a challenge at times, because he just doesn't have much interest in school work and can be quite stubborn about getting it done. However, those "lightbulb moments", when we can see him grasping the lesson, are totally worth it! It takes more time than we thought it would too - because it's high school there is an expectation that more work will be completed each day than you might expect for younger children. There might also be a non essential subject or two that he will fall further behind in, because we'd rather focus on the ones that really matter (Maths, English, Science, etc). We have had to remind him at times that this was his choice and he has to show some responsibility and get the work done, but for the most part he is enjoying doing his school work this way.

We get to have great conversations with him about subjects related to what he is learning and just spend more time with him, which he is definitely appreciating. If we see his eyes glazing over, he gets some outside time to kick a soccer ball around with his big brother (jokingly referred to as the PE teacher) and comes back refreshed. He also still keeps in touch with his friends from school, who are in the same situation - I never thought I'd be so grateful they all have mobile phones and internet!

The biggest thing that has struck me about our boy learning at home is that I am so impressed with his teachers. Not because I suddenly realise how difficult their job is - I have friends who are teachers, so I already knew. But because these people have had to adjust their whole working style to suit the current circumstances. We see them now making their own videos for students to watch online, lessons are adjusted to include family members and they are available for online chats to answer questions and help guide all of us through this challenging time. I think the teachers have coped with this incredibly well and I admire them all for stepping up.

I can't speak for every family - I know many parents are struggling - but we are actually enjoying this time and making the most of it.

Easter is a Little Cracked

Welcome to Easter weekend, and what an unusual one! Okay, it's not that weird for us - we've never been a family that heads out for a camping weekend over Easter, or has a big family and friends get-together around a barbeque.

In the past month or so the world has seen some incredible changes, thanks to this coronavirus. Here in Australia, we seem to be a little more protected - we certainly haven't seen the massive number of infections and deaths that some places are having to deal with. It probably helps that we tend to live in a more "spread out" fashion. We aren't crammed together like you see in some of those huge apartment blocks that you see elsewhere in the world. There are countries where you aren't allowed to visit ANYONE. At all. Not even allowed to leave your house without an official piece of paper explaining why you're out and where you're going to. Proper lockdowns.

For us, for now at least, it's not that harsh. We can still get out and do necessary things, although any trip deemed "non essential" could earn a fine from the police. We can still go for a walk around our neighbourhood, as long as we're keeping the required minimum of 1.5 metres from any other person. Of course there are plenty of people not doing the right thing, which is making everyone look bad (and pissing everyone else off, actually). Most of us are working together to try to "stop the spread". That's one of the terms we hear all the time now, along with "social distancing" and "self isolation". Now of course, there's also "toilet paper shortage". Who would have predicted that?

So this Easter is a "stay at home" weekend. No problem for us ... we are a family of introverts. We'd rather stay home most of the time anyway! The Caveman and I are still working, as we're both in essential jobs (another catchphrase). However, his hours have dropped dramatically and mine are just starting to do the same, as most of our clients are self isolating and not requiring as many services outside the home now. It would be a great time to clear out the house and work on any projects in the home and garden, except that going out for hardware, or to drop items off at the rubbish dump or second hand shops is considered non essential travel (and some of these are closed now anyway).

I am aware that this is a very difficult time for lots of people. Many have lost their jobs - and for anyone not already familiar with our welfare system, this will be a real eye-opener! People in abusive relationships or unhappy families are going to suffer, with everyone stressing over money and getting on each other's nerves day after day in the house together. There is still concern about whether kids should be going to school or whether we should all be tackling some form of homeschooling.

At the same time, I do get annoyed with people complaining about the little things, like the fact that they can't go camping, or that most beaches are currently closed to anyone who isn't local to that area. I think we're so lucky that we have TV, computers, smartphones and social media - it's easier than ever to get news updates, to stay entertained and also to keep in touch with friends and family members. Not to mention there's always reading, gardening, cooking and craft. Maybe I'll find more time to write?

We have a bit of a road ahead of us yet, so we might as well settle in and get as comfortable as we can. Make the most of this time with your family and maybe we'll all learn to enjoy the little things in life a bit more. In the meantime, there's Easter ... I hope you have enough toilet paper and chocolate (and good humour) to see you through!

Make the Most of It

I can't believe we're almost through February already. The year has really only just begun and it's already flying by! All thoughts of Christmas presents and New Year's resolutions are long gone and we're all into whatever our next plans are.

Our year has already had some sad news - my older sister's wonderful husband unfortunately passed away after being diagnosed with a brain tumour late last year. He was only in his early fifties and probably had all sorts of plans for the future. It sparked even more awareness in me that we really do spend so much of our lives planning for the future with little awareness of just how little time we might have to make the most of those plans.

Not that I've been able to suddenly ditch work and start traveling or anything crazy like that - that's not where this is going. I still have bills to pay! I'm just making more of a conscious effort to enjoy my time NOW.

Do what I love and love what I do, appreciate every moment ... that sort of thing. It's not always easy, because everyday life can be a drag sometimes, but it's worth making the effort while you can. It's also important to not get bogged down in thinking that enjoying life has to involve significant or expensive changes. It can be really simple things.

I'm being more active, but also making the most of quiet "down time" when I have it. I'm appreciating nature, using more humour and not engaging as much in stressful conversations. I've discovered I'm also channeling my mother more, maybe because I miss her but also because she was never afraid to be herself and I miss that about her.

Actually, my younger sister commented recently that she is doing the same - we've both become more like Mum since she passed away. It's funny how we can take on certain qualities from those we love who have passed, and use them for positive change in our own lives.

This can be a good or a bad thing, depending on your point of view. I think we're both a little more outgoing now, which is great, but we've also adopted some of Mum's "no filter" quality that used to fascinate (and horrify!) us when we were out in public with her. We both get a chuckle out of it and honestly, I think it's a good thing. Life is too short to not be honest.

At my brother in law's funeral, my older sister (his wife) told us she is now looking at every issue that arises in her life using his experience; she calls it "Chris's Law". I'm paraphrasing here, but it basically goes: If you knew you only had three months to live, how much would this particular problem really matter?

He was always a pretty easy going guy anyway, the kind who took problems in his stride and could figure out what was really worth getting stressed about. But now, his family is using his death as a reminder to themselves to appreciate what really matters and not get too worked up over the rest.

Sounds like a good plan to me. Rest easy, Chris, and give Mum a hug for us xx