Seeing the Signs

My son, now 18, once asked me how you know if something is a 'sign' from a loved one who has passed.

It wasn't long after his best friend had died and, naturally, he was hoping for some indication that she was still around him. There had been some things that seemed obvious. We visited her parents shortly after her death and, when we were driving out at the end of the visit, a small blue butterfly hovered by his open car window all the way down the long driveway to her front gate. He looked at me afterwards, in awe, and said, "Mum, that was her." He had no doubt, and neither did I.

As the weeks passed, and he was probably looking for more signs, he asked the question above. How do you know? He'd seen the odd feather, or heard a song, or had a 'feeling', but nothing as clear as the butterfly in the driveway. Maybe he needed some reassurance that she was still around and that it wasn't just his imagination. Now, I'm no expert on these things ... like most parents, I'm left fumbling for the right answer when the kids ask questions like this.

In the end, I told him that if you think something may be a sign, then you should assume that it is. Can you imagine being a person in spirit, trying to leave signs for your loved ones, only to have them dismiss everything as "imagination"? I'm guessing that would be really frustrating. Of course, I'm also assuming that spirits are real, and that they get frustrated. Maybe they don't. Maybe they don't hang around at all ... but I believe they do. I've had visits from loved ones in dreams, in familiar smells, and even in wildlife, often at the times I've needed the most comfort - and always when I least expected it.

Maybe that's the trick. Don't go looking for signs, but accept them when you realise they may be there. I was watering my garden a couple of weeks ago, less than a week after losing my Mum, when a dragonfly landed on a plant near where I was watering. A very plain, brown dragonfly. Nothing really special about it, except for the fact that it wasn't in an area I'd normally see them. It sat there for ages, and after a minute or two I found myself wondering if it might be a visit from Mum. She knows dragonflies are a favourite of mine. I have no idea though ... I'm now in the position my son was in a couple of years ago, wondering what to believe and how much I can trust my intuition.

I seem to be coping with Mum's death better than I expected to. I'm back at work and life is getting back to normal. I keep expecting to fall apart, and I do have a weep occasionally, but I recover quickly. I have no trouble talking about Mum, or her death. Sometimes I almost feel a bit detached, but not like I'm in denial - if that makes sense. My sister has actually commented that she's the same. I think we did most of our grieving before Mum died - she was just so vibrant and seemed like she could live until she was ninety, the shock of learning we were going to lose her was maybe bigger than the reality of her actual passing. I keep saying it was down to Mum's attitude. Once she was able to be so accepting of her fate, we found the strength to accept it too.

Of course, it's possible a wave of grief will suddenly hit me when I least expect it and I'll break down in a blubbering mess at some completely inappropriate time. I guess I'll find out. In the meantime, we talk about her openly, we laugh about the things she would have found funny, and we'll accept any potential signs that may come our way ... because I'm sure she'll be around us for a long time to come.