A couple of weeks ago, a realisation popped into my head. It was simply, "I am okay now". It took me by surprise, but I really am.The Caveman and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary last month, and genuinely congratulated ourselves for reaching this milestone. For a short time there, it actually looked like we might not make it. The first 6 or 7 months of this year was a difficult time for our family, with financial and emotional pressures taking a toll.
With the Caveman having six months off work so he could focus on study, our finances took a major hit. By the end of his course we were struggling to get by. While other parents were out buying cars for their teenagers and sending them off to University, we were letting important bills slide in order to feed ourselves. It's a dreadful position to be in, especially when you're both in your mid-40's. You feel like you should be on top of things by then. The Caveman was also struggling with the exhaustion brought on by constant studying and the pressure to pass what turned out to be a much more intensive course than anyone anticipated.
As if those problems weren't enough, our grief for my Mum had a big impact too. I coped by pushing it aside in order to function at work and at home, but that made me a difficult person to live with. I was snappy and short with everyone around me, then weepy and guilt-ridden when I realised I'd hurt them. I felt like the Caveman didn't support me enough when I needed it most, then pushed him away when he tried to help me. He also adored Mum and was grieving for her himself, of course, but we were both out of energy and patience. We each felt misunderstood by the other and even wondered if we should take a break from our marriage. That's really saying something too, because we've been through hard times in the past and only been this close to giving up once before - about 15 years ago. Luckily, communication has always been a strong point in our relationship and it saved us this time, just as it did back then. It just took us a while to reconnect and for both of us to work through it together. We had to find each other again and I'm pleased that we have.
Naturally, losing their Nanna and then watching their parents' marriage almost implode has had a big impact on our kids, plus they each had their own personal issues to deal with. Our teens in particular have been struggling with health issues and the pressures of job hunting in a (somewhat cliquey) regional town. The first half of 2018 was definitely a trial for our whole family.
Things are slowly improving now though. The Caveman is back at work and we are getting on top of our bills. We're enjoying our marriage again. We even treated ourselves to a (very cheap!) night away for our anniversary. The kids have had more successes than failures just recently and we all feel like the future is brighter. I don't know what made me turn my own personal corner, but I really am okay. I'm not saying I've finished grieving; I miss my Mum, and always will, but I'm coping (for real this time!). The smile I give people now is a genuine one, rather than a front to cover a sadness that felt like it would always underline everything else.
Life is going on, as it should.
