Crazy Busy Middle Age

A few weeks ago, I turned 50. It was a great day and I felt very spoiled. My family took me out to a local strawberry farm for lunch. It's a great place, open to the public for only a few months of the year, where you can order delicious food to eat inside their big rustic shed cafe or outside at picnic tables and also pick your own strawberries to take home. We had a lovely time and enjoyed taking our little granddaughter through the strawberry fields.

I thought I should blog about that, then I came and looked at my page. Wow, it's been 6 months! I know we've had a few things happen that I considered blogging about during that period only to end up not having time or, in some cases, the inclination. Sometimes we go through things we don't want to blog about.

A few things have happened to ensure it's been a rough time, but we've also just been caught up in everyday life. With the rental situation being what it is, our daughter and granddaughter are still living with us. It's great, little Miss J really is being raised by a village for now and we all, our sons included, get to spend as much time with her as we want to. The only problem is, with all of us having jobs and school to keep up with, life can get pretty hectic.

My sister, who lives a couple of hours away, came for my birthday and stayed for a week afterwards. While she was here, she commented on how busy and tired we all are with a toddler in the house. She wasn't being critical, just observant.

She's right too. Our daughter's adorable little girl is constantly on the go. She's curious, adventurous, sociable and doesn't like to rest - so no one else gets to either! Plus, she has been unwell over the past couple of weeks, so she's been more clingy and demanding than usual (and wasn't able to attend day care). It really has been more tiring for us all. It's been hard to get anything else done, so the housework has fallen behind too. When I get the chance to do anthing, I find myself with so much more to do than I expected.

As an example, one morning I said to my sister, "If you're okay to watch her for me, I'll just pop to the bathroom for a minute." No problem, she loves playing with her grand-niece. I went and used the toilet, then noticed dirty washing on the bathroom floor while washing my hands. I scooped up the washing and went to the laundry to put it into the washing machine. The previous load was still in the machine so I transferred that to the dryer, then put the next load of washing on. Came back out of the laundry to be ambushed by the cat meowing for food. I filled her food bowl and remembered to grab a loaf of bread out of the chest freezer before heading back to the kitchen, where I put the bread on the bench, put away a couple of items that had been left out after breakfast and filled the sink with water to start soaking some dishes for washing up later on. My "minute" ended up being almost ten!

That was just one morning, but it shows why I'm so tired these days (and I'm certainly not the only family member who leaves the room to do one thing and gets caught up in a heap of extra chores on the way).

I commented to my eldest son recently that I still feel relatively young and healthy, to which he said, "You know, Mum, when I watch you doing everyday stuff around the house, you look the same as you did when I was little. You seem to have the same energy and do all the same things." What a wonderful thing to hear from one of your offspring - the very same people who are supposed to tease you for getting old (and don't worry, they do plenty of that too!).

I am fortunate to have pretty good health and I'm glad I can help out my daughter with her little one while she works to set them both up for the future. Sometimes I'm exhausted, but I'm also better these days at taking time for myself when I need to as well. Besides, I know one day they'll move out and we won't see them as often. I try to enjoy this time as much as I can (and occasionally lose myself in some quiet gardening!).

Life might be busy, but 50 looks alright so far.

The Spaces Between

Our eldest son has been home again recently, as I mentioned in my last blog post.

He showed us a clip on Youtube that he had found interesting. It was mostly a tutorial about an online game he has played recently, but the person presenting the video also talked about the memories we hold onto in life.

He made the point that while we assume the big, significant moments and milestones are what we'll remember, very often it's the small ones in between that really stick with us. This really jumped out at me.

I guess they tend to be the kinds of memories that are hard to describe to other people. Using my own as an example, it's things like the smile and hug my Mum would welcome me with when I arrived at her house for a visit. I can still see her smile and feel that hug. It's the quiet comfort I felt sitting with her to have a coffee and chat about absolutely anything that came to mind. It's those moments with my sister and brother when we were growing up, playing Scrabble or watching a favourite tv show, or all having a cup of Milo together after school. The times we comforted each other if one of us was scared or worried about something. The role-play games we played that no one else ever saw, the bike rides and bush-walking adventures we shared only with each other. Then there are the quiet moments that were just my own. Sitting on a hillside, writing in my notebook and looking out at the view. I can still see the long grass waving gently in the breeze and feel the calm that permeated my being, just sitting on the rock I'd chosen as my happy place to escape to.

There's a sensation associated with those memories for me, that I just can't replicate for anyone else. I know there are times I wish I could transport my kids to my childhood and actually get them to experience what I felt or saw. But obviously I can't do that ... and regardless of how good I may be with words, they'll never actually GET it. Everyone remembers the big things; the birthdays, weddings and family get-togethers that we were all a part of. If they don't remember them, there are photos. But those smaller moments - the spaces in between the events - are the memories that really form our feelings about our lives and they're incredibly personal and unique to each of us.

Sometimes, when life feels stagnant or even a bit stressful, it's thinking of those spaces in between that can bring comfort. We, as a family, are currently in such a big financial slump - and just last week we all came down with Covid-19. Feeling unwell on top of everything else we already have on our plates to worry about was just the icing on a not-very-pleasant cake.

The Caveman and I have struggled to get along well during all of this, mainly because we have vastly different ways of dealing with pressure. He, being on the autism spectrum, gets very overwhelmed and difficult to be around as he takes his frustrations and depression out on those closest to him. He becomes very negative when things aren't going well; it's as if he can't see that things will ever get better. He often falls into a "poor me" mindset, focusing on how badly things always go for him and how miserable his life is. It's hard to live with. That negativity can suck all the air out of the room when we're together and when he's in that mindset it can be overwhelming for all of us.

I tend to go more in the other direction. Yes, I'm upset about situations too, but I have become much better in recent years at letting go of what I can't control and, in fact, I often find that I feel positive about the future even when things are looking dire. I seem to have an innate trust that things will come good in the end and that we will always find a way through. We've made it through every other stressful situation we've faced together, so I have faith that our lives will take a turn for the better again soon.

Maybe that's MY coping mechanism, believing in a positive future to avoid getting bogged down in the difficulties of the day-to-day. I've had moments in the past when I was bothered about our situation in life and that we really aren't in the position we always assumed we would be at this stage. But it's not productive to look too deeply into that, or I could get lost in thinking about all the things we should have done differently. If believing in a brighter future gets me through, then I'm okay with it.

That, and focusing on those in-between spaces .. the quiet moments, the memories that bring me the most comfort. The ones other people can never understand, because they are entirely our own.

Grown Ups

The craziest thing about being an adult, I've decided, is seeing your own children grow up. It blows my mind ... it only seems like a couple of years ago they were all so little and now I'm watching them run their own lives and make big decisions for themselves.

Recently our eldest son helped some friends move house. He packed their belongings into his van - which also doubles as his bedroom when he's visiting us - and drove it 2 hours away to their new home. Last week he used that same van to help me clear out our garage and take a lot of unwanted items to the tip. He's in between permanent jobs (and accommodation) at the moment, so he picked up some casual work while he's visiting us and I know when he finds something more long-term he'll move to wherever he has to in order to make it work.

Before going to work this morning, our daughter handed over her baby to her ex-partner for his usual access visit. When she gets home from work this afternoon, before baby comes home again, she'll also be studying (as she works as an apprentice hairdresser). She's a fantastic mum. She co-parents well with her ex and our baby granddaughter is thriving.

These things sound pretty mundane in the grand scheme of things, but it has suddenly struck me how grown up both "kids" are now. I'm impressed by their work ethic, as well as their ability to just get in and do what has to be done - whether it's helping others or doing jobs around our house, or adjusting to single parenthood and all the responsibilities that go with it.

We also love spending time with them on more of a "peer" level. They're not just our children any more, they're our friends. People we've raised, who happen to share some of our interests, our sense of humour and enjoy spending time with us. We can all do separate things every night of the week, but still enjoy all sitting together in front of a Harry Potter movie too.

Of course this includes our younger son, who is now nearly 16. Like his older siblings when they were his age, he doesn't love school. We've started talking about what his other options might be and we're prepared for the fact that he may choose to find a job and leave school entirely. That's okay with us, we've been through it before with the older two and they both found their own way. We know he will be okay too, whatever path he chooses.

We still parent them too much at times; helping out when they could manage for themselves, or giving advice when they don't really want it ... but there is also so much joy and pride in seeing them become self-sufficient adults.

It's good sometimes to just take a step back and admire them, for how far they've come and how much they've learned along the way - and for the fact that our "little" boys are now both over 6 feet tall and have matching beards!

Just Keep Paddling

The new year is off to a flying start! Seriously, I can't believe we're nearly through February already.

Our life hasn't slowed down a bit; we've all got "stuff" going on. The Caveman and I have been in a bit of a slump emotionally and financially, while we both deal with some health issues and general worries around work and family.

I noticed an increase in my menopause symptoms, so I saw my doctor for an increase in Menopausal Hormone Therapy. When I first realised I was experiencing peri-menopause the idea of using MHT (or HRT, as it used to be known) was not even on my radar. Around 20 years ago, the media reported that hormone therapy caused an increase in breast cancer rates. It was enough to scare lots of doctors and menopausal women away from using it, including me when I started showing signs of peri-menopause. I was determined to deal with the changes "naturally".

Luckily, I know now that the main study that prompted those headlines was flawed. The risk is slightly increased if you already have pre-cancerous cells. Otherwise, MHT IS the most natural treatment and the health benefits far outweigh the risk of me developing breast cancer. Besides, menopausal symptoms can actually be quite debilitating if left untreated.

Some women breeze through this stage and barely notice a difference ... well, it turns out I'm not one of them! The hot flushes and mood swings (the main symptoms people talk openly about) are bad enough to deal with ... but throw in fatigue, depression, anxiety, "brain fog", bladder issues, sleeplessness, joint pain and the charming bonus of vaginal atrophy, and most people would try anything that has even a small chance of helping.

I joined a menopause support group online and discovered so many other women going through the same things. I got a lot of information about MHT and saved my sanity by getting onto the right treatment. Not to mention with MHT I'm cutting my risk of various other cancers, dementia and loss of bone density by supplementing my hormone loss.

On top of dealing with the joys of middle age, I've had a lot going on at home. Having a baby in the house is exhausting (no surprises there!). I help my daughter as much as I can, and I know she's grateful, but then she sometimes feels inadequate for needing help in the first place so it's important I don't overstep the mark. Seeing her trying to balance being a single mother along with her job makes me feel so proud, but I worry about her wearing herself out too.

Our eldest son is currently going through some upheaval in his life and our youngest is struggling with a lack of motivation which is affecting his interest in attending school, so as a mum it's natural for me to worry about them as well.

My husband's health can present challenges too; from physical limitations to mental health fluctuations. In fact, I've recently been assessed as being at risk of "carer strain".

(Considering the whole point of my day job is to relieve the strain for my client's carers, the irony of this is not lost on me!)

On the subject of work though, I'm finding my job also wears me down more than it used to and I definitely feel the effects of burnout sometimes.

It all sounds a bit doom-and-gloom, but it's not really. I still find time for friends and relaxation, plus I generally keep a good sense of humour about most things. We've all known too many people who have passed away at an early age, or had life-altering health issues when they least expected it. If there's one thing I do want to do, it's to look after my health and enjoy the life I have while I can.

Like most mums, I wear myself out trying to do everything for everyone, so I'm working on that too. I have become better at not holding onto as much stress as I get older - I can figure out what matters and let the rest go.

Sometimes I'm convinced I'm like the proverbial duck ... appearing calm on the surface, but paddling madly under the water!