He showed us a clip on Youtube that he had found interesting. It was mostly a tutorial about an online game he has played recently, but the person presenting the video also talked about the memories we hold onto in life.
He made the point that while we assume the big, significant moments and milestones are what we'll remember, very often it's the small ones in between that really stick with us. This really jumped out at me.
I guess they tend to be the kinds of memories that are hard to describe to other people. Using my own as an example, it's things like the smile and hug my Mum would welcome me with when I arrived at her house for a visit. I can still see her smile and feel that hug. It's the quiet comfort I felt sitting with her to have a coffee and chat about absolutely anything that came to mind. It's those moments with my sister and brother when we were growing up, playing Scrabble or watching a favourite tv show, or all having a cup of Milo together after school. The times we comforted each other if one of us was scared or worried about something. The role-play games we played that no one else ever saw, the bike rides and bush-walking adventures we shared only with each other. Then there are the quiet moments that were just my own. Sitting on a hillside, writing in my notebook and looking out at the view. I can still see the long grass waving gently in the breeze and feel the calm that permeated my being, just sitting on the rock I'd chosen as my happy place to escape to.
There's a sensation associated with those memories for me, that I just can't replicate for anyone else. I know there are times I wish I could transport my kids to my childhood and actually get them to experience what I felt or saw. But obviously I can't do that ... and regardless of how good I may be with words, they'll never actually GET it. Everyone remembers the big things; the birthdays, weddings and family get-togethers that we were all a part of. If they don't remember them, there are photos. But those smaller moments - the spaces in between the events - are the memories that really form our feelings about our lives and they're incredibly personal and unique to each of us.
Sometimes, when life feels stagnant or even a bit stressful, it's thinking of those spaces in between that can bring comfort. We, as a family, are currently in such a big financial slump - and just last week we all came down with Covid-19. Feeling unwell on top of everything else we already have on our plates to worry about was just the icing on a not-very-pleasant cake.
The Caveman and I have struggled to get along well during all of this, mainly because we have vastly different ways of dealing with pressure. He, being on the autism spectrum, gets very overwhelmed and difficult to be around as he takes his frustrations and depression out on those closest to him. He becomes very negative when things aren't going well; it's as if he can't see that things will ever get better. He often falls into a "poor me" mindset, focusing on how badly things always go for him and how miserable his life is. It's hard to live with. That negativity can suck all the air out of the room when we're together and when he's in that mindset it can be overwhelming for all of us.
I tend to go more in the other direction. Yes, I'm upset about situations too, but I have become much better in recent years at letting go of what I can't control and, in fact, I often find that I feel positive about the future even when things are looking dire. I seem to have an innate trust that things will come good in the end and that we will always find a way through. We've made it through every other stressful situation we've faced together, so I have faith that our lives will take a turn for the better again soon.
Maybe that's MY coping mechanism, believing in a positive future to avoid getting bogged down in the difficulties of the day-to-day. I've had moments in the past when I was bothered about our situation in life and that we really aren't in the position we always assumed we would be at this stage. But it's not productive to look too deeply into that, or I could get lost in thinking about all the things we should have done differently. If believing in a brighter future gets me through, then I'm okay with it.
That, and focusing on those in-between spaces .. the quiet moments, the memories that bring me the most comfort. The ones other people can never understand, because they are entirely our own.
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