It's New Year's Eve and I woke up this morning thinking about death. I have no idea why; maybe it's to do with the year ending? I also had an urge to get everything that was going through my head written down while it was all fresh in my mind, which I guess also makes sense; clearing out the old to get ready for the new.I'm aware that reading this blog is one of the ways my kids will discover more about me in the future. So, if I feel a need to write things down for them while I have the chance, then I'll do it. Maybe it will bring them some sense of peace one day after I'm gone.
On the subject of death, since it's the thought I woke up with, I want them to know I'm not afraid of dying. I'm sure I've said it before, but it's worth repeating. Of course, I have the same irrational fear of the unknown that most people share, but I think that's more to do with the fear of illness or pain before the actual death occurs. I'm not frightened of what comes next or where I'll be afterwards. I'm not in any hurry to get there, but I honestly believe that I will go to a place where I can still be around everyone I love who is alive, and also with loved ones I've lost along the way. I find it reassuring to think we'll be together again one day and I'm sure that belief has made it a little easier for me to come to terms with losing people.
When it comes to irrational fear around death, I'm more afraid of something happening to one of the kids. Like most parents, I worry far more for my children than I do for myself. I adore each of them, and like every other child on the planet, they probably won't realise just how much until they have children of their own.
I remember when, as a child myself, I worried that my Mum was going to die unexpectedly. Not just one day in the future, but right then - I would see her napping on the couch and panic that she might not wake up. Maybe that's a normal fear for a child though. I also remember thinking Mum was afraid of death. That may have been true when she was younger but when it came to her actually dying, in her sixties, she didn't seem afraid at all. She told us she accepted whatever would come and that her only sadness was that she would have wanted to be with us, her children and grandchildren, for a few more years. She also had that concern about whether there might be any pain beforehand, but once the doctor assured her that he didn't expect there would be, I saw her visibly relax.
We've lost a number of people in recent years. My two teens have both lost dear friends to illness, the Caveman and I have each lost one parent (which of course means the kids have lost two much-loved grandparents), and just recently a gentleman we knew took his own life. Every death has an impact on everyone who knew that person; even more so if the death comes sooner than expected or in a seemingly senseless way. I know that when you're left behind, it doesn't always feel like the person you've lost is still around - and, of course, nothing is the same as actually having them there in person to talk to and share special moments with, to hug and to be held by.
However, I've made it clear to everyone who knows me that I absolutely DO believe in signs from people who have passed on. If I'm able, I can promise that after I'm gone I will send signs to my family that I'm still around them in some form and I hope it brings them comfort. Something I often say to my kids is: 'If you think something might be a sign, believe that it is.'
Of course, you can't talk about death without also discussing life. I want my kids to know that yes, there are times in life when it seems like nothing is good or happy. Sometimes, if you get caught up in the tragedy of it all, it feels like we're all just here to die in the end. I've been there too ... wondering what the purpose or meaning of life even is. (At this point my husband, the 'Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy' fan, would probably laugh and say it's 42.)
I don't know the meaning of life. I don't know if there is a purpose to us being here, but I believe we're supposed to learn and grow throughout the journey. I also believe life is filled with joyful moments and amazing experiences that will have us smiling to ourselves and shaking our heads in wonder. It's a matter of recognising those moments, appreciating them, and placing them above the unhappy moments. I get into trouble with my husband sometimes for saying happiness is a choice - and yes, I know it's not always that simple. I struggle with it myself at times. But I think what you choose to focus on makes a genuine difference to your overall mental health and wellbeing. I like to remind myself that the happy moments in my life have far outweighed the sad ones.
Life is good, really. I wish everyone a happy 2019 filled with valuable experiences and precious memories.
